THE CRAZY THINGS I THINK:

I’ve come to the realization that my brain goes to some crazy places throughout the day so as much as I try to keep my post relevant to what a larger scale of women, moms, wife’s might feel, this post might be a stretch. Here’s to hoping ya’ll can relate to my crazy thoughts or at least be entertained with a day inside the head of Gentry Jones. Maybe I should write this post as my alias Gwendolyn Jabali….just to be safe.

5:15 am—I get up and make a cup of coffee. I open the cupboard to get the creamer, “UGH” I forgot I’m out of creamer. Dang it I guess I’m going to have to use milk, I don’t really love my coffee with milk but I definitely don’t like it black! I open the fridge “F-WORD! Mr. Chocolate Milk boy finished the milk last night” “Ughh no milk, I can’t drink it without milk. Maybe I should just dump it out and forgo coffee this morning.” “No way this is K-cup coffee that one K-cup was like $1.17 including tax.” “Well maybe I could just give it to Andy?” “Ugh..I don’t want to give it to Andy if I want my caffeine/I need it!!!” (I often argue with myself in my head!) This is about the time I saw a bottle of breast milk on the bottom shelf. I know what you are thinking ‘SHE DIDN’T’ well… “Oh my gosh would that be totally gross if I used my own milk?” “Why would it? I mean we drink milk from a cow…what is really more gross?” “But it is my OWN milk.. is that like some form of cannibalism?” “That’s just ridiculous.” “This milk isn’t easy to come by, should I really be stealing from my baby like that?” “Have you looked at your baby, he’s clearly not starved and you pumped more milk than he needs for today.” “Ok, I’m going to use it, it really can’t be that weird right…? It’s just milk? Oh no what if I like it? What if I start pumping for the sole purpose to use it in my coffee? What if I don’t have my pump with me when I need a boobie milk creamer fix… what kind of things will I resort to? And what’s next? I’ve drank my own milk, next thing you know it I’m drinking my own urine? If I do this will I have to get one of those snake eating itself tattoos?” “OMG it’s just milk, put it in your coffee and just go get ready!!” “I’M DOIN’ IT!” I grab the bottle and quietly check around the corner to make sure my hubby isn’t up. “Mmmm good leche!!” “Oh no!! Andy knew we were out of milk. What if he sees my coffee is a lighter color and questions where I got the milk/cream.” “Gentry, Andy doesn’t even notice when you get your hair cut you think he’s going to notice the color of your coffee?” “Good point Gentry… Thanks for calming me down!!” 

6:30 a.m.—Andy finally gets up… he manages to shower, shave, get dressed, and drink two cups a coffee in a whopping 10 minutes. I watch this in amazement. “Man it sure must be nice to be a boy! Maybe I should cut my hair short, stop wearing makeup, get a boob reduction…” “ha what boobs?” “shut up!” “…and live life like an easy going care free dude.” This is about the time Andy and I make eye contact. “Oh no he’s on to me… he knows something… Does he know I experimented with my own lactation...? Do I have a milk mustache? Does he know I want to be a dude? Should I just come clean now!?! STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THOSE JUDGMENTAL EYES!!!” I scoot my coffee out of sight and try to appear more feminine. Andy gives me a confused look, shakes his head, and leaves the bathroom. “Yeah you better keep walking!!! Whoa that was a close one!! I almost confessed my inner most personal thoughts to my husband!! How embarrassing would that be if those got out!?!!”

7:15 a.m.-- As we are getting out the door, Beckham is choosing this high stress moment to test my patience! I’m thinking “I’m a fairly calm patient person, yet I want to lose my cool and smack this little boy…Of course I would never!!! It’s like I never want to actually paper cut my husband’s balls, but I think about it sometimes! My point is I’m pretty calm but he sure likes to test that, how do people with real anger issues have kids? I feel bad for those kids.” (Rule #3-Don’t go calling CPS…again… I really don’t and never will hit my kids!! I’m just expressing my frustration getting out the door. Plus Becks often gets in trouble for being aggressive, like hitting and throwing things. I believe using aggression in an attempt to teach a child to not be aggressive is extremely confusing. Often the calmer I stay the quicker I get him to obey (sometimes a lot easier said than done). BUT to each their own!! As for paper cutting my husband’s balls…? Ok I do occasionally consider that!)

7:20 a.m.—We get in the car and drive down the road. At the stop sign I think. “The mountain looks B-E-A-utiful! I should just turn right and drive to it right now! Skip work, take the kids on a field trip, after the mountain maybe head to Seattle to surprise my sissy!?! turn left=work=lame…turn right=adventure=fun!” This is where turning 25 has really been a fun sucker. “No, you can’t do that! You would lose your job, then you wouldn’t have an income, you would lose your car, possibly your house. People would see you as unreliable!” “Ughhh so glad you decided to join us prefrontal cortex. You’ve forced me to focus my thoughts, control my impulses and to weigh possible consequences…where were you when I thought self-waxing would be a good idea?? Life was a lot more fun before you started talking!! I don’t like that name Prefrontal Cortex… it’s too long, if you are going to come around I need to give you a cool nickname like Pref Co..? P-front  C-tex…? Ohh or PC-Tex….?” “Turn left” “Yes Ma’am… PC Pimpin’…!?”

7:45a.m.—I get the kids to daycare, enjoy my 2 second sigh that the responsibility has successfully been passed (do a quick prayer for Carri), and switch my brain to work mode!! 

10:00a.m.—I catch myself day dreaming. “Is it weird that I am day dreaming about doing Kim Kardashians tax return right now? Could you imagine all of the Schedule C’s and K-1’s she must have!!?! I wonder how much tax she has to pay each year...? What kind of tax breaks do people that make bazillion dollars get? Can she use her glam squad as a tax write off? This year she will get to claim a dependent, which will surely help her out a lot!! Haha jk with as much as she makes it won’t help her at all muhahaha take that rich parents!” “Get back to work!” “Hello! I was wondering when you were going to chime in Pre Cor…? Pref-C…? PC-Tex thuggin’..?!? “GET BACK TO WORK!” “Ok…but this isn’t over! You’ll have a nickname by the end of the day!”

12:15 p.m.—“Should I quit my job join a traveling interpretive dance team and pursue a creative writing career on the side?” “No!” “Fair enough… I miss my kids!!”

3:15p.m.—As I’m waiting for the copier at work and contemplating where I’m going to get my snake eating itself tattoo, I decide I want to get a pet turtle, and name him Sam. 

5:15p.m.—“YAY!! I get to go pick up my boys!! I’m so excited!! I’ve missed them sooo much!! I love them more than I can even describe! I feel bad for getting mad at Beckham this morning! I’m going to give him extra positive attention tonight.” I walk in the door, feeling high with love…when I’m met with Beckham throwing a block at the window, him refusing to put his shoes on, him crying that he wants to stay at Coco’s house, he won’t get in the car unless he can bring a stick, hits me with the stick as I’m driving, I take the stick so he takes his shoes off and throws them, he tries to get out of his car seat, meanwhile Brody is screaming because he hates the car.

5:30p.m.—I pull up to our house… “Only 14 more hours until I get to go back to work!!”

5:45p.m.—Beckham‘s on the counter helping me make dinner and when I say “helping” I mean it’s kinda like eating oreos while brushing your teeth. As I’m getting slightly irritated that Beckham is making cooking more challenging, he says “I like cooking with you momma! What should we make next?” I think “Oh isn’t that so sweet!! I like cooking with him too…OK I know it is a little messier with him in the kitchen but I’d rather us be spending time together then sitting him in front of the T.V. the whole time I’m making dinner. Plus, what if I get him excited about cooking at a young age, then he could start making dinners and I won’t have too. He could become a famous chef, have his own T.V. show on food network, and I could be his momager!! J STAGE MOM HERE I COME!!” “Easy there Gwendolyn… just enjoy the time you are getting to spend with him!”

6:00p.m.—The dinner recipe calls for milk… “Dang it I forgot to stop and get milk.” “I know where you could find some milk! J” “OH no… not this again!!!!”

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR "WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP...? CUZ I'M LOOKING FOR IDEAS!"

EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE IS LIFE CHANGING:

Every single decision you make is extremely powerful. We don’t always realize the power of our decisions until we make the wrong one, because we are often only judged (by ourselves and others) for the bad/wrong ones we make. We can be so quick to point out when someone makes a bad decision, but we (and when I say we, I mean me) don’t always give credit for the millions of little RIGHT decisions we make every day!! I’d like to take this moment to acknowledge your great decision making of choosing to open this blog post, read it and share it! J GOOD JOB! (I’d also like to praise you in advance for the next great decision you are going to make… which is forwarding my funny blog posts to the Ellen Degeneres Show and declaring me to coolest/funniest/wisest young blogger you’ve ever read and then encouraging Ellen to give me a job as a writer… correspondent..?! …a corky accountant…???) 

Think of all the decisions you made just this morning. You decided to get up and out of bed, you didn’t HAVE to get up, you chose to. You brushed your teeth (hopefully), did your hair, put your make-up on, got your kids up, got dressed (again hopefully… if clothes are optional for your career path we need to be talking about a lot bigger bad decisions you’ve made.) You chose to get you and YOUR KIDS in the car. We’ve all had those morning when you consider leaving your kids crying on the front door step, as they are refusing to get in the car because you won’t let them take the vacuum, a giant bouncy ball and a spatula with them to daycare, but you choose to sacrifice your face and kidney’s by swooping them up (kicking, screaming and all) and strapping them in the car. You choose to stop at the stop sign, go the speed limit—or at least close to it, drive to work, park in a parking space, turn off your car. Could you imagine if people didn’t decide to park in a parking space? Cars would be piled up by the entrances of buildings; accidents would be happening everywhere, insurance premiums would skyrocket!! And if you decided to not turn off your car…? Pollution would be way worse... so look at you, you crazy tree hugger—savin’ the planet by choosing to turn off your car when you aren’t driving it!! Each decisions you made this morning is life changing. Each decision had an outcome, had a consequence good or bad. (Like CPS would probably be called if you left your child crying on the front door step! And possibly a mental institution if you went to work naked, parked in the middle of the parking lot and left your car running!)

So yes, we made a million small right decisions, yet we infrequently acknowledge those things and decisions we did/made to better ourselves and others around us. Like I said earlier, it is often our wrong decisions that get us the most attention and unwanted criticisms, but without our bad decisions how would we know any better? We wouldn’t have the opportunity to learn from them, we wouldn’t grow and develop new strategies to life, new perspectives, and we wouldn’t be where we are today!  

I often find myself reliving embarrassing, even painful memories where I made REALLY bad decisions, but fail to acknowledge ways I’ve learned from them, how they have helped me grow, and how many good little decisions I have made. Ultimately, I’m on ONE path and every day I cement a brick down on that ONE path which leads me to tomorrow’s journeys. There are no such things are detours or shortcuts, it’s just our own individual journey so be thankful for each mistake, each trip your path made through crazy town (mine made a few), and each brick because the path you’ve built led you to where you are today and will lead you to even greater things tomorrow. 

Tomorrow when you wake up and walk in the bathroom to get ready, do a little happy dance! When you park and turn off your car, maybe set off a little confetti popper thingy, (but then pick up the confetti because leaving that mess would be a bad decision) celebrate all the little good decision you make and feel empowered that all your decisions determine the placement of the next brick on your path of this crazy thing called LIFE!  

CREATE TIME IN YOUR SCHEDULE TO CREATE A SCHEDULE:

I’m the first one to admit my brain can get easily distracted. I decided to the doctor and found myself with a scary diagnoses of A.W.M.A.D.D., =A Wife & Mother Attention Deficit Disorder. You should all know the symptoms, so you can get help before it’s too late. 

Here is an example of how I have been affected by A.W.M.A.D.D. (or as I like to call it AWWW now I’m MADDD!@!). (Rule #4 Yes, this is a made up diagnoses but this next story is entirely true!) I walked into the kitchen and turned on the water to start doing dishes. Beckham asked for a glass of chocolate milk so I left the water running (because I’ll be right back) and got the milk and chocolate out of the fridge.  I then saw a bill that needed to be paid! Crap its due tomorrow!  So I set the milk on the counter to get out a pen and the check book from the junk drawer. Uggh the drawer is stuck on something!? I open the cupboard underneath the drawer to find the serving bowls a mess. I’ll have to get all these out and organize them so I can open the drawer!! “MOMMA! MY MILK!” Oh yeah! I leave the bowls out on the ground (because I’ll be right back to finish!) and open the drawer where the kids’ cups and bottles are. When I realize, Brody doesn’t even use these 4 oz bottles anymore!? I need to put them in storage and get out the bigger bottles! I start walking toward the stairs to go get the bigger bottles. On my way to the stairs I walk by the laundry room. I think I really should get laundry going while I’m doing all this “cleaning.” I turned the washer on and started putting clothes it. I’m sure this isn’t all the laundry that needs to be washed? I head to the bathroom to pick up the rest of dirty clothes. While in the bathroom, I see the potty chair that Beckham doesn’t even use anymore. This needs to go downstairs when I go to get the bottles. I grab the clothes and the potty chair and leave the bathroom. “MOM!!?? THE MILK!!” (Did my son really just yell at me like Will Farrell in Wedding Crashers?? ‘THE MEATLOAF!’) “Ok ok!!!” I leave the bathroom but on my way back to the kitchen I see 3 cups sitting on the side table and decide I need to pick them up, (since I’m doing dishes and all). I put the dirty clothes and potty chair on the dining room table so I can grab all 3 (I put the clothes on top of my car keys) I think, when I come back to get the clothes I need to remember these keys are under here so I can put them in there place. I get the cups and started walking back toward the kitchen. Until I almost trip over Beckham’s puzzle pieces/box. “Beckham, you need to pick these up.” “I not done mommy hey wanna play with me?” Ahh how sweet! I need to cherish this moment because there will come a time he doesn’t want me around!! “Ok buddy! Hey we should build a fort too!!” So I set the cups on the T.V. stand and we get blankets out for the fort. By the end of the morning, the dishes aren’t done (the water is still running), Becks didn’t get his chocolate milk, (the milk is still on the counter and now probably bad), the bill is not paid, for some reason there are serving bowls scattered all over the floor, the laundry is not done (the cycle never even ran because the lid was up so now I just have wet stinky clothes), I can’t find my keys, I randomly have a potty chair and a pile of dirty clothes in my dining room, I have an AWESOME fort but a BIG mess. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done (and how it actually got even messier), I’m really confused because I know I was busy ALL morning!! And yep you guessed it… AWW now I’m MADD!! Why is everything a mess!?

Though some of you may not have a stage 4 diagnoses like myself, if you have ANY symptoms AT ALL you need to listen up. If AWMADD goes untreated it can and will get worse, I lost a kid from this ruthless disease… I put him down and for the life of me I can’t remember where I put him! (Refer to Rule #3…before you call CPS that was a JOKE, I finally found Beck just a few short hours later playing with matches and knives.) So how do you treat it? Well, you need a prescription…I know what you are thinking… “But I don’t have health insurance, and this damn Obama care is so confusing. How will I afford the Dr. appointment and medication?” Well today is your lucky day!! I’m leaking the prescription to the public! (Muhaha take that medical field) I was prescribed a good planner, a calendar, a notepad, and most importantly taking a little extra time to create a schedule. *(I’m sure this kind of diagnoses could be concerning for those of you who trust and rely on Schelert Campbell & Company for your accounting and tax needs. Please do not fear, I am heavily medicated at work!! You know, like with post-its, labels and calendars…)

Here are some of the things I do to help my weeks go more smoothly. I call it the 3P’s! (Which I may have just made up right now but I think it makes sense..? If you try the 3P’s let me know how it works!)

PLAN for the next week—Sunday mornings I set aside time to sit down and make next week’s schedule. I plan out dinners so I can make a grocery list. I plan out what I am going to wear for the week. I make a game plan on how I’m going to clean the house. Look at the calendar and account for any events that are happening that week. Write everything down!!

PREDICT things that may come up—I  predict that pukey-mc-pukes-a-lot might decide to projectile all over my outfit on the way out the door. So it is best to have an extra outfit ready to go. I predict Becks won’t like the fajita’s so I need to make sure I have a back-up meal that he’ll eat. I predict I may be too tired to want to cook one night so to be sure I have a frozen dinner option ready in case of a “I’m too tired” emergency!

And PREPARE!!! After planning the week, get ready for it!!—I go to the grocery store or at least have a good list ready so I just have to stop quickly on my way home from work. Cut up any fruits or salads so they are easy to pack for lunches/snacks. Iron all my work clothes and hang them up nicely so they are ready to go. I follow my step by step plan to clean the house, (get all dirty clothes in the laundry first, clean the bedrooms, then kitchen, then living room, bathroom, and fold laundry! and write myself reminders of the events for the week.

Ok so I’m sounding like I’m really on top of it, but the truth is I don’t always get all the groceries in time and just end up settling with frozen or box dinners, the laundry isn’t always done, the dishes get behind, and sometimes my clothes are a little wrinkly, BUT if you at least try to have a schedule and be prepared it will greatly benefit you, your mental and physical health, and your family all around in the long run! Not to mention help provide some relief from AWMADD. So at least TRY!! GOOD LUCK!!

Tune in next week for “When I grow up I wanna be…” or maybe “The secret to a happy marriage is a comfy couch!”

IF YOU ARE CONFIDENT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

For some reason, a complement is like someone challenging me to a debate and I must prove them wrong!! “Thanks but it wasn’t that great of an accomplishment!” or “Thanks, but this painting could be a lot better!” or “Thanks but I still have a lot of weight to lose! Look at all this extra skin! And check out this back fat my bra is cutting into!! And look at how much my under arm jiggles! Can you say baby got back? Have I shown you my armpit fat yet?” The challenger then always feels the need to counter my rebuttal with “No way.. you look great!” Damn you challenger! Was my back and armpit fat not enough?! “Well umm I don’t look good in flip flops…my second toe is longer than my first! And I have a unibrow!!” (I showed them!) I might as well call them a liar liar pants on fire and say, “Oh yeah? Well thanks but NO THANKS! Screw you and your complement!! Complement me again… I DARE YOU!”

I used to think –Well, maybe that is just my attempt at being humble. (Yeah right, humility is NOT my middle name….it’s Fawn.) Maybe for some people you are just being humble (good for you!), but for me, by pointing that giant red flashing arrow at my flaws I’m trying to deflect the complement instead of just graciously accepting it. I think deflection for me does not say humility, it says look directly at my imperfections and judge me for them the way I judge myself, and it yells I lack confidence!  Well double crap – now that person who was trying to say something nice thinks, “Wow I guess she doesn’t look that great, AND it apparently bothers her because she stripped down to her skivvies to pinch at every roll and cellulite patch she could find to prove me wrong!” You don’t have to say “Thanks I know, I do look great don’t I!?” (I mean, if you want too more power to you!), but it is ok to feel confident in yourself and that you are deserving of a complement.

I’m guilty of the same kind of deflection/deception in other aspects of my life. SOMETIMES (Ok a lot of the times. Get off my back, I’m working on it!) I’m afraid of being judged, so I will harshly judge myself before anyone else can get the chance too. EXAMPLE: I try to keep my house clean but I didn’t get that gene from my mom’s side of the family called “IcantgotobeduntileverythingintheworldisPERFECT” (I suppose that is less of a gene and more of a hashtag, but you get the point) Even if I have just cleaned my house top to bottom, when people come over I always say “Sorry about the mess, it’s not always like this!” I’m afraid someone might judge that my house isn’t up to their standards (Because apparently everyone else’s standards are perfection!). They might think I’m not perfect and that’s just crazy talk! (Let’s be honest though, I know I’m not the only one who plays that “oh my house is super clean, but I’m going to pretend like I’m so awesome that this is what it’s like on a bad day!”)

IF YOU ARE CONFIDENT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. People see what you want them to see. 82% of being beautiful comes from YOU and the way you reflect yourself to others, only about 18% of beauty has to do with your molecular structure. (Refer to Rule #4… made up percentages, but it’s gotta be something like that right?!) The point is people reflect how to see and treat you based on how you see and treat yourself. I’m talking inside and out! When you second guess yourself so do the people around you! I’ve had to overcome this when deciding whether to blog or not. “What if people don’t think I’m funny? What if they think I’m annoying? Or it’s stupid?” I had to decide that whatever I wrote I was going to be confident and commit to FULLY (much the way you commit and love yourself fully, physically and emotionally!) otherwise ya’ll would sense that, and question me the same way I question myself.  

I’m not saying recognizing your flaws in a bad thing. Nobody is perfect! And seriously, who wants to hang out with someone that is perfect all the time? LAME!! I encourage you to explore your imperfections, but not to be ashamed of them, rather love them; be empowered by them; joke and have a sense of humor about them; and most importantly be confident that those flaws are what make you BEAUTIFUL; what make you…YOU!!

Tune in next week for “I’M SORRY, I ALREADY HAVE IT ON MY PLANNERTO PLAN OUT MY PLANNER FOR NEXT WEEKS PLANS. COULD WE DO 8 O’CLOCK?” or maybe,  “WHO NEEDS PLANS!? JUST GO WITH IT!”

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENCY?

Considering this blog has only been live for one whole week, I assume that it hasn’t been shared international (yet) So when I say “currency” I’m not talking money. Otherwise this post would be pretty short and boring. “Hey what’s your currency?” “USD. You?.” “Ya, me too!” “Cool… Why am I following this blog again?!”

Today’s definition of currency is what we value emotionally and physically that we can use in a medium of exchange. What are the things that are important to you; that motivate you; that you want and need from others? (I suppose $ currency could be emotional currency, $ makes me happy, motivates me, I need it, I want more!) We all have different currency when it comes to emotional fulfillment. Taking the time to not only learn your own but to understand others could help build a more supportive, less competitive society, because when we learn our currency we learn that we all want different things which makes compromise feel less sacrificial. (And Breath!! Refer to Rule #2.That was an example of the Gentry language run-on sentence. You may need to increase cardio training to build physical stamina and lung capacity to handle those, but you’ll pick up the dialect soon enough.)

You are probably thinking, “Wow, this 20 something know it all has really bad grammar, but is on to something here; so profound; so wise beyond her years!” Well…. Don’t! Rule #4; I’m not a credible source. I stole this concept from my trusted “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on T.V.,” Dr. Phil, but I think it really can help when it comes to our relationship.

Example time! My husband loves food. A home cooked dinner is his currency. Me? Not so much. I’m either a chicken breast and salad or a Cheetos, applesauce, ice cream (and yes sometimes cat food. Thanks for sharing that fun childhood fact with facebook Mom) kind of girl. Whether I’m being healthy or have thrown in the towel, I’m all about quick, easy, less mess, less stress. However, being the great wife that I am, I acknowledge that food is something he loves and is important to him. I try to cook at least 4 nights a week, with every Wednesday trying a new recipe. I call it “What’s new Wednesdays.” My currency is a kiss and an “I love you” when he leaves for work AND a clean kitchen. You can’t expect much from a mom that works all day and walks into a dirty kitchen. That’s just crazy talk!! Am I right? So if he helps keep the kitchen clean, I’ll make him dinner.

You probably couldn’t tell by my “What’s new Wednesdays” (We also have “Tasty Treat Tuesdays”, “Crockpot Thursdays”, and “Finger food Fridays.” We tried “Finger Paint Friday’s” but that was quickly 86ed), BUT another currency of mine is I need everything to be an adventure.  Something I’ve had to learn is not everyone feels that way. Not everyone needs to dress up like a superhero and prance around the streets singing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” to feel ALIVE. That’s ok too; actually you are probably better off that way! So whether your currency is date nights, kisses, someone making your morning coffee, quiet time, or a simple “how was your day?” I encourage you to find out what it is that is important to you in your relationships. I think if you start asking people what they want and need from you too; you will find that compromise can be reached quite easily! 

Tune in next week for “I’m not perfect, but I play one on Facebook!” Or maybe “If you are confident, you are beautiful!”